The logic of this always makes me think. If I go back and change things would I continue to do things the same way I would have done, or do them differently based on the new insights I would obtain from the change. Doing so would also put others around me at a disadvantage, since I am changing what I had done with a fore knowledge of the original outcome to a new way which comes to happen in a result I want or is to my advantage. So hypothetically speaking, let us talk about high school, and I go back to study better and get more marks so that I can enter in better college. Not only now it is easier to prepare for exams because what I had found difficult at that time is much easier for me now, but I have more motivation to do so. Now that I get more marks, I jump over few people who otherwise would have been getting this better college. So I am taking from them what they had, and make it mine.
So for all major effects of my changes do I end up creating alternate realities? And there could multiple realities out there each with a different version of us where we are better, worse or just different people in different scenarios created by our actions. I tend to look back at some of the more difficult times I had, and what I learned from them. If I am to go back and undo that time, since I end having not gone through that time would I buckle under another difficult situation which I would sail through right now?
Moving on, I guess things broadly come under to categories: What I wanted/should have done and didn’t do, and what I shouldn’t have done and I did. So here goes:
What I should have done:
- Not given up volleyball. I used play volleyball regularly in my high school up till college started. Now I wasn’t all athletic and slim, but I was fitter. I could run more without panting, had quicker reflexes and it was something that I was good at and enjoyed doing.
- My hair. Till college I had this wonderful long hair that came till my shoulders and I would tie in to a ponytail at times. Then something happened that it started to fall around. I would get that checked out
What I shouldn’t have done:
- Spent so much money in cafes and pizzerias. I love coffee, and I love pizza. So when I started earning, I started frequenting pizza places and cafes. I used to spend loads over there. An entire day in the café with a book to finish and movie to watch and cups of my favorite coffee to give me company. Coming back from work to a dish of hot pizza or taking it back and keeping it in the fridge to enjoy the cold fridge pizza the next day. And in turn these became my habits, which I have after some conscious effort put under some control. Those are good times, but now that I think of it, all that money could have been saved and used for other purposes.
What I don’t want to change:
- Asking a friend out. Some time ago in a discussion with a friend I was asked if I wanted to change it. I have this friend whom I asked out, and she said no. I mean you cannot force someone to reciprocate what you want. Of course initially it was difficult to take it in. I had just accepted the idea that she would say yes because it would be me asking. But I have a sense of clarity about it, a certainty. I will not be lost in thinking of what if scenarios that should I have asked her, would she say yes and if she would have had yes, how different things would be. Sometimes nothing beats a sense of clarity
Edited to add:
What I want to live through again:
How can I forget about this. Long time back after meeting a friend, I had written: “There are moments that you wish you can capture. Not just the visual memory of it, but the sounds, fragrances, sensations and the thoughts. A time bubble to revisit them again.”
If I had to live my life through again, I would want to live through these moments again. I don’t want to change anything about them and let go on through how they went, but experience them again
- The first day I spent as a shift in charge at work. It dawned up on me, that now I run this place. That when there were problems it would be me who had to respond and take care of them. I was answerable for each and everything that was going on that day and that I could do it how I wanted to. The feeling was immensely pleasurable.
- One day while travelling from home to the hostel with friends my bag got stolen in the train, which contained some of my clothes and my monthly cash. And the next day when I woke up went to have breakfast with friends. When it came to pay up, one of us paid for the group and didn’t ask me for my share knowing that my money was stolen.At that moment I felt a sickening feeling. He did it with all his good intentions, but I felt that as if I was handed over something, and that I could be better than this. How could I have done something stupid and get my bag stolen.
- Spending time with Sonal. She had come back from america during a break, we spent some time in the chocolate room talking about things. We didn’t talk about something major, just the small little things. Niyati was not expecting to be there and she had her mouth open when she opened the door of the cafe to see us sitting there. Talking about the littlest of things with the best of friends, I enjoy them.
- When high school got over. I was told I was supposed to feel a wave of awe because of the big change. I waited. It never came. I smiled at this and went and met all the friends and teachers again for the last time. That day I realized that you can’t feel a sense of longing of something, if you never belonged to it in the first place.