Dad died in an accident when I was about 6 years of age. I have been brought up by mom ever since, juggling job and raising me up. I am writing a letter to both of them.
Dear Mom,
This is a letter that you are not going to get to read, at least not for a long time. This is because I am not yet ready to discuss the contents with you in person. It’s not that we’ve not tried before, it’s specifically we’ve tried talking about it before. We feel so strongly about our own stances, which are mutually exclusive that things end up getting heated.
You’ve put in a lot of efforts, many of which are beyond what I would normally expect a parent to. In your defense, I can be a difficult person to deal with at times. Add to that I come from an entirely different school of thought. I am highly liberal and open about what and who I want. I have always wanted to be defined by my choices, choices which usually lead me to be away from where I am born. Your choices have always been to stick to where you are. I have always been about what I want and you about what you have to.
You do things which you think that are in the long run good for me. Quite a bit of your life has been focused on to shape a future for me, and look out for me. Having done it for so long, it has been your default programming. Which is why I think that no matter how old I get, you will always want to have a protective watch out for me. Remember in an entirely different situation of our life; someone had once said that no matter how much good you want to do for someone, you cannot force good upon them. It has been nearly 15 years since I had heard that, and the idea of it has seeped into me. I cannot write over here the details of the circumstances in which they were said, and I apologize because in doing so I am withholding all that you had to go through with.
What I want to tell you is that I am headstrong about my choices. As much as I like to think that I am gifted in terms of my intellect, I tend to make correspondingly huger mistakes. Some mistakes which on account of repeated occurrences, may take me months to recover fully from. But what good is my own life, if I do not pave for it myself? Even if it means making it difficult. I understand your concern for me, but our opposing manners of thinking have contributed to making you a little bitter. I just hope that in the near future we come to a better understanding of each other, and better acceptance.
Love,
Hrishi.
Dear Dad,
Most of my memories with you have been pleasant. The times you got me chocolates, or took me to the park to play on the slides or let me choose the cookies that a spot of jam on them. Since the hospital you worked at was kilometers away from home, I could only get to spend weekends with you. When it came to parenting, you were always the easy parent while mother did most of the disciplining. I guess this is why I would want to more spend time with you. I know realize that as much as it was fun spending time with you, I needed to be guided in the manner mom did. Especially if it required strict parenting.
I remember that there were times when I took your easy attitude for granted, and was very unruly with you. Given that we did spend so little time together, I am sorry for that. Just before you died, you had quit your job to setup your own clinic near home. However that would not come to be, and the accident happened. To be honest, for quite a lot of time mom never let me feel that I had a parent short. She cared and provided in a manner that all my needs and quite a number of my wants were taken for.
Given that I was never overly attached to you, I didn’t miss you much. Mom did, for you were her husband. While her job and savings ensured that we didn’t miss a providing family member, your absence lead to other problems. Now that we were ‘alone’, your brothers continued to treat us in the second hand manner that they did. They graduated from that to taking a large amount of what was rightfully mom’s and belonged to us. You could have had the sense to warn her about the kind of dogs your family is.
Some time ago, when I was going through a difficult time I ended up staring at your picture in the house and a line from Harry Potter came to mind to me: “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.” The fact that a lot of this could have been different had you not died, makes me feel a little bitter. Sometimes I think how things could have different had mom had someone else in the family apart from me. If there would have been someone else to be there for her, would I have been able to feel freer? I guess it does sound incredibly selfish, but it is my manner of feeling pity on the living.
Love,
Dear Mom and Dad,
The irony of this letter doesn’t escape me. I choose not to share what I have written with mom because of my belief that we have tried too much of it already, and failed. I cannot share it dad, because quite simply he isn’t there anymore. When I speak to friends about their parents, their feelings are so much different than mine. D tells me how she feels happiest and safest with her head in her mum’s lap, while another friend tells me how he looks up to the advice his dad gives him. It is not that I don’t remember my happy times with you. I remember how we used play carom on the weekends, and dad would nudge one of my discs into the holes so that I would win. I remember how mum would make ice cream and slush for me when summers would come, so that I wouldn’t fall sick from eating some of the road side stuff. I remember dad holding me down, when I was kicking another doctor, dad had taken me to when I had had jaundice, and he had brought out the injection. The two of you would buy me a toy gun that made rattling noises to cheer me up. I even remember the hours mom would put in to make sweaters for me, or how she took care of me during the vacations I got sick.
But more than that, I do remember the times either of you got angry at me. The times when I was mad with either of you, and as I grew up the times, I get frustrated with mom. Kids like to cuddle up and sleep with parents, finding comfort in their presence. I have always found solace in being away instead. Mom remembers how I would roll away to the side of the bed when I would get sleepy, while other kids would roll to their parents embrace.
I guess this is how we are.
Written for Day 3 of the 30 Days 30 letters prompt: A letter to your parent(s).
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And I write 
hugs and big hugs!!
I have so much more to say, but I’m choked up. So, I will come back..
but know this – both of them – your mom to a very large extent and your dad have a fine, absolutely beautiful son. And they must be so proud.
You my dear boy are such a sensitive soul 🙂
hugs!
😀
Yep, Second Pixie. You are awesome. And I will leave it at that. 🙂
Thank you Jai 🙂
I don’t really cry reading posts but I did and i am not ashamed of it. I am really close to my parents, especially my Dad and to put such a huge part of yourself out in the blogging world requires an immense level of courage and I for one salute you for that. It takes an extraordinary to write this and regardless of how stoic you may try to put yourself as, if you wrote this, it just shows the kind of emotions you have inside of you.
I am not going to say sorry or offer hugs and blessings because frankly, I believe you are stronger enough not to need it. One thing which I do know has to be the fact that people like you do come with their share of tales. Right now, I might seem to be a brainless nonsense to you, but trust me, when your story completes the way you wish, make sure to put up a blog post so that i can comment there and link this one and say … looksie I am never wrong an together we could toast to your good times with a big fat chocolate brownie.
You are one gem, I am happy to have found 🙂 🙂 🙂
I am saving this letter 🙂 🙂 Not going to share it, but saving it because I’ve a thing for good pieces.
This comment says it for me too. 🙂
😀
Shruthi said it for me too. You made me all teary-eyed. But those are nothing compared to the kind of emotions you’re going though. Stronger and stronger may you grow. 🙂
I agree with Pixie too! You’re such a sensitive soul with a beautiful heart! I’m sure you mom is proud of you! And your dad too.
Loving the letters that are coming out of your kitty, Hrishi! 😀
Thank you Deeps 🙂
I won’t say anything Count. I just took a long breath when I finished reading it.
This one couldn’t have been easy to write. It is all very well to say that writing is like cutting a vein and letting the blood flow- it isn’t easy to do it.
More power to your pen.
Sent from My Blackberry® @ Tata Docomo
For all that I have written, I feel that I should have written some more.. But I guess that is something that will always be there..
Hugs, Hrishi. Just came over, from Shail’s and there is this tight constriction in my throat and heart, that prevents me from even saying or thinking much. And, just to let you know, NO, you aren’t selfish, is what I feel, to wish your mother had someone else other than you – even if it meant space for you. Companionship, either from someone in the family or outside – wishing that for someone can never be selfish.
It just feels so constricting to be the sole focus and aim of someone’s life
I know this exercise has been a difficult one for both of us in different ways 🙂
Well, Hrishikesh, I am really tongue-tied for once and really cannot construct a proper comment here. You poured your heart out in this one! ❤
Bawa, these are the concerning words of a child placed in the best possible manner to depict what his inner thoughts are. It surely was a pleasure to read, but above it, it showed that even through your troubles with personal life, you have managed to turn into a good individual that you are today :). Thanks for sharing a part of your personal thought Hrishikesh !!!
Hrishi hugs sweetheart! I don’t know what to say. It is strange that I can relate to your pain but I do. I am choked as a mother….I don’t know how your mom managed, I am glad she did whatever she could do best. I am choked as your friend. …I don’t know how you managed but I am glad you did what you could do best. I am glad for what you are! Not perfect of course but just about enough for all of us around you. And please if you could, pass on a big tight hug to your mom from me. (Sfurti)
This moved me so much. I guess with one parent absent, it becomes so much harder for the child and the surviving parent. Words fail me.
I could really associate with this post Hrishikesh as I have that kind of relationship with my parents, especially with my mother. She does what she things she should, while I am way more liberal in my thoughts. To top it all, I married a guy, out of our caste and against her wish and it is something she will not forgive me my entire life for. And that he takes good care of me is of no essence or value. So I know what you are saying. Again, doesn’t mean that I don’t acknowledge or respect what she has done and sacrificed for us all these years. But just the way you said, we have tried everything, but it just doesn’t work out. And for many many years, and until now, her reasons and logic and no bent to try and understand mine have led me to become very emotionally unstable. But I guess, not all of us have the privilege of having that lovey dovey connection with our parents. Some of us are just born that way!
PS: And would you believe, my 2 sisters have that kind of connection with exactly the same set of parents. So there. Some of us are just born that way! I hope that makes you smile a little bit 🙂
Big Bear Hug, silly HBiiieeee :* You made me cry! :’) This moved me deeply.
This letter perhaps tells me why you have been so loving! Wish I was there in person “right now” to give you a big hug 🙂 Loads of Love and best wishes to you, sweetheart. Another Big Hug! (Don’t kill me now!)
Love you loads dumbo!
And yes, these hugs or wishes are not meant for you because you need them. You’re much stronger a gem I know. These are just because I am proud of being a friend of an absolute sweetheart.
“Gem of a person” – I’ve seldom used this phrase for people. You’re one of them!
Yours, Winky
Dear Count:
This is so much like a page out of my own life. I lost my dad when I was 13. I didn’t miss him that much then but now when I think of the times, I do miss him.
Big hugs and much love.
Moms are always so . . . they don’t much approve of what we do but I think they stand by us through the various stages of one’s life. I don’t idolise mothers and all but yes, they are quite precious as much as other relationships we have and savour.
Joy always,
Susan
I know exactly how you feel Hrishi… At war within yourself for wanting to understand your single mother for all that she has done, and why she does what she does, and for a want of freedom for yourself. I also understand why you would never show this letter to your mother. I guess, this is the way life is, and we have our own little conflicts to resolve. Like you said, we have to pave our own path, however difficult it may be.
Good luck Hrishikesh.
Just a wow!
I read this post and then Re-Read it. and still dont know what to say and I ma the one who seldom shuts up.. I am sure your dad is watching over you and proud of you .. I can understand why your mom does what she does..
As when my dad passed away I can see a change in my mom too, even though I am a OLD man myself now.. and it gets a bit haywire i would say especially because i have lived alone all my life hostel and then i came to uk.. but still mom’s are mom’s and I am sure no matter what they will stand by us always right or wrong.
I also with some experiences in life found that Family comes first always, maybe things are different with others but my experiences taught me so, yes we have 1 or 2 or maximum 3 friends who are and will stand with us always.. maybe something wrong with me 🙂
Take care my friend ..
A beautiful post this… and I could associate with it all the more because I lost my father four years ago.. all of a sudden when he was doing something as normal as eating his lunch..
This mustn’t have been an easy one to write.. no you are not wrong in what you ask for.. but I also believe that whatever happens, happens for the best…it happens the way it was meant to be.,.
Powerful and sincere words!
Sorry about your father’s family. Obviously, your mother has done a beautiful job raising you and providing for you on her own. I do understand how the parents’ expectations are so high and can be very demanding on us.
Bless you and I’m so glad you write. So much better than therapy 🙂
I salute the courage it must have taken you to write what you did. It cannot have been an easy task. But what you have written is so heartfelt that I hardly know what to say!
This moved me to tears when I read it last night on my way back from parents’ home. I can so relate and understand a lot of things you have said here. Sending much love your way, Hrishi!
I will not say u r strong or U r sensitive. I would just say that time and situations do keep changing us from time to time. Even if u maintain ur distance , I can see the love and warmth via this letter 😦 Am sure when ur mom reads this she may understand u !
Love and Hugs,
Afshan
and that HP quote – ❤ ❤
All I can say is that it is so moving.
I really don’t know what I can say to make you fell better after reading this emotionally charged letter. It takes a lot of courage to open the closet and put out the feelings for everyone to see and I bow down in front of you for that. God bless.
Thank you for the kind words
the most difficult thing is forthcoming with the true feelings and admitting shortcomings in the same breath, you have just done that. I wouldn’t want to capture in words let it just keep flowing from your pen 🙂
🙂 Thanks mate
Could see myself so much in this letter of yours. 🙂 … And beautifully expressed.
Hey Hrishi.. I cant stop my tears man… it requires great courage to put the kind of feelings in words. I believe once you will share this with your mom your discussion wont end up by getting heated.